Navigating Through Life

If I can help at least one person with this I would be happy. A safe place to vent and talk it out. I spent so many years with it bottled up. Creating stories in my head about what I thought was happening and then causing so much turmoil. I found peace with my dad. He saw me, he let me be raw (As long as I didn't take it out on my mom) that was a different story, he wouldn't put up with that and put me in my place more than once. The day I got so pissed and punched a hole in the bathroom door, and to this day I don't even know what I was so mad about. That day, my dad told me to yell and scream at him, he could take it. "Get it out Punkin" he would say. Sometimes, though he would push my buttons on purpose. Once I got very mean. I was a ticking timebomb. Everything worked out, and we forgave each other but it hurts now that he is gone and I think about that day sometimes. 

There were the days in between where I thought I was invincible and could do anything, grandiose is what they called it in therapy. Racking up over $30,000 in credit card debt and having to file for bankruptcy when I was 27. Not a fun time. Does anyone else relate to this? I used to feel like an alien and no one would understand. Now that I am almost 47, I see life through different glasses and wonder how I could of ever been how I was. Am I cured? I don't know, but I can honestly say that my last "episode" happened in 2016, and maybe a few little outbursts here and there after that through 2019. I'm calm now, the beast as I have always called it has been put to rest and I don't feel it anymore in my gut. It was through meditation, painting, getting off of medication and switching to vitamins, and a whole lot more I'll get into later. That's what this Blog is about, a Scatterbrained girl with lots of ideas, and how they all have to do with each other. 

Jumping around a bit, (hence Scatterbrained). Who has had lucid dreams, and /or night terrors? As a kind they were nightly. Let me tell you, when you have no idea what is going on they are scary. There are a few in particular that still stand out to me to this day. I was about 8, and my bedroom was very small. My closet was fairly big for the size of the room, but my mom had to store the vacuum in there also. She always wore this blue robe or house coat before bed time and this night in particular I saw her standing at the closet, blue robe and all, it was so real. I remember saying "mom" and nothing , she never turned around. It was terrifying for some reason to me, maybe because I realized it wasn't her standing there. I was wide awake... screaming for her. Finally she came running into my room right through where she was "standing" and hugged me. She would have to sleep in my bed with me till I fell asleep. This was every night. I had to sleep with the TV on, I couldn't have any quiet or darkness and the blankets were always over my head.  Another time I remember having a night terror I was at my grandparents house. I slept over every weekend. Anyway, I was about the same age as when I saw my mom. I might have been a little older, closer to 10. I couldn't sleep on my own, I had to sleep in my grandmas bed with her. So grandpa would sleep in the room I was suppose to stay in. This one night though, was scary to me. Grandma was asleep, I was wide awake. The room was dark, but up towards the closet, which was directly in front of the bed. The ceiling kind of lit up, not really bright, but brighter than everywhere else. Then this kind of weird snarling smile appeared, not a face or anything just a smile. Wide, and ling skinny lips, with some of the teeth showing. When I think of it now, it was like the Cheshire Cat, but a person or something inhuman. I remember screaming and my grandma jumped up and grandpa came running in the room. I was sweating and then had a bloody nose. I was terrified. I never told them what I saw, I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy, but those images, especially these two have stood out to me plain as day, even now I remember them very clearly. If you check out my Law of Attraction tab, I'll get more into the lucid dreams that have been occurring the past 6 years or so. They on the other hand are not scary, I don't think they have anything to dop with my mental health, its about manifesting etc..so go check out that page for more on that.

I can say now that I was a very resilient kid, still am I guess. After my dad passed away I thought I was going to really lose my mind and spiral out of control. My outlet was gone. This is when the shift happened, and maybe it was something I had in me all along, was to be strong. I had to for my mom. I couldn't let that beast out. So my journey began to heal, and to find other ways to cope and to not be Bipolar...not how had been all the years before. The channel it somewhere healthy. Which is also part of the Law of Attraction section. Like I said everything here is so intertwined together. Am I still bipolar? I don't feel it. Am I OCD, a little crazy at times, get angry and high strung oh absolutely, but I have noticed that I don't create the stories anymore. I listen more, I listen to myself. I know this isn't for anyone. I am no doctor. I just want to share stories of where I have been, what I have been through and where I am at now. Maybe it will resonate with someone and help someone not feel alone. That is my main goal is to help others heal and feel like they have support. If we cant talk about it how can we help ourselves. In a way this is also helping me. 

03-24-2026

The past few months have been kind of a roller coaster of emotions for me.  Car accident, not bad but still annoying and the inconvenience of waiting for my car to be repaired, missing work taking care of it An old friend passed away, at one time she was my best friend, although we lost touch the past year and a half. The 7 year anniversary of my dad passing away, my daughter moved out and I don't see her as much now. All these things would of sent who I was 15 years ago into a depression and downward spiral, cursing at the world for ruining my life, but along with my manifesting page. The power of belief and the Law of Attraction. Meditation, painting, writing this blog are huge stepping stone for my well being. Do I still feel bipolar? Not really, I don't go "crazy" any more, I think rationally. Now I am not a Dr. and this isn't for everyone, but for me these things have helped shape me into a new version of myself. The one that is grateful for the beast I had in me because I look back and see how far I have come, but the past few months have really tested me. I have found myself crying more and isolating myself from my artwork. I need to take a step back and breathe, and use the pain, sadness, etc. and make some cool paintings with it