Beyond The Diagnosis

My Story, Your Hope

Growing up, life felt incredibly complicated, battling a mind that seemed to work against me. As a young adult, navigating uncharted waters without guidance was challenging. Years of therapy and various medications followed, until I realized there was more to me than my mental illness. It doesn't need to consume your life; it can be the beginning of a new chapter.

If I can help at least one person with this I would be happy. A safe place to vent and talk it out. I spent so many years with it bottled up. Creating stories in my head about what I thought was happening and then causing so much turmoil. I found peace with my dad. He saw me, he let me be raw (As long as I didn't take it out on my mom) that was a different story, he wouldn't put up with that and put me in my place more than once. The day I got so pissed and punched a hole in the bathroom door, and to this day I don't even know what I was so mad about. That day, my dad told me to yell and scream at him, he could take it. "Get it out Punkin" he would say. Sometimes, though he would push my buttons on purpose. Once I got very mean. I was a ticking timebomb. Everything worked out, and we forgave each other but it hurts now that he is gone and I think about that day sometimes. 

There were the days in between where I thought I was invincible and could do anything, grandiose is what they called it in therapy. Racking up over $30,000 in credit card debt and having to file for bankruptcy when I was 27. Not a fun time. Does anyone else relate to this. I used to feel like an alien and no one would understand. Now that I am almost 47, I see life through different glasses and wonder how I could of ever been how I was. Am I cured? I don't know, but I can honestly say that my last "episode" happened in 2016, and maybe a few little outbursts here and there after that through 2019. I'm calm now, the beast as I have always called it has been put to rest and I don't feel it anymore in my gut. It was through meditation, painting, getting off of medication and switching to vitamins, and a whole lot more I'll get into later. That's what this Blog is about, a Scatterbrained girl with lots of ideas, and how they all have to do with each other. 

Jumping around a bit, hence Scatterbrained. Who has had lucid dreams, and /or night terrors? As a kind they were nightly. Let me tell you, when you have no idea what is going on they are scary. There are a few in particular that still stand out to me to this day. I was about 8, and my bedroom was very small. My closet was fairly big for the size of the room, but my mom had to store the vacuum in there also. She always wore this blue robe or house coat before bed time and this night in particular I saw her standing at the closet, blue robe, it was so real. I remember saying "mom" and nothing , she never turned around. It was terrifying for some reason to me, maybe because I realized it wasn't her standing there. I was wide awake... screaming for her. Finally she came running into my room right through where she was "standing" and hugged me. She would have to sleep in my bed with me till I fell asleep. This was every night. I had to sleep with the TV on, I couldn't have any quiet or darkness and the blankets were always over my head. 

03-24-2026

The past few months have been kind of a roller coaster of emotions for me.  Car accident, not bad but still annoying and the inconvenience of waiting for my car to be repaired, missing work taking care of it An old friend passed away, at one time she was my best friend, although we lost touch the past year and a half. The 7 year anniversary of my dad passing away, my daughter moved out and I don't see her as much now. All these things would of sent who i was 15 years ago into a depression and downward spiral, cursing at the world for ruining my life, but along with my manifesting page. The power of belief and the Law of Attraction. Meditation, painting, writing this blog are huge stepping stone for my well being. Do I still feel bipolar? Not really, I don't go "crazy" any more, I think rationally. Now I am not a Dr. and this isn't for everyone, but for me these things have helped shape me into a new version of myself. The one that is grateful for the beast i had in me because I look back and see how far I have come, but the past few months have really tested me. I have found myself crying more and isolating myself from my artwork. I need to take a step back and breathe, and use the pain, sadness, etc. and make some cool paintings with it 

Newly Diagnosed? You're Not Alone.

If you've just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, remember, it doesn't have to be scary. While I'm not a doctor, I believe medication can be a valuable tool, but it's not the only answer. There's a wealth of information available, and countless individuals with unique perspectives. I'm here to share my real, raw, and honest experiences of overcoming life's challenges. I want you to know that I am a regular girl, not a celebrity, giving my real, raw and honest truths of what I went through, and am still going through in life and how I overcame a lot of the darkness. I struggled throughout most of my younger years. I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 28 years old. As a teen I had so many outbursts, but my mom always told me the Dr's told her it was just really bad PMS. I have one memory where my mom and I fought so bad that I grabbed her whicker chair on the outside porch and threw it into the street. Later that night when hanging out with a friend she found me and drove up to me telling me to get in the car, she had pretty much my whole room packed in the backseat. I was about 12/13 at the time (this was around 1991 & 92). My parents to me to the State hospital to be evaluated. I was so scared and didn't want to be locked up that the test and questionnaire they gave me I lied on every question, they let me go home. Maybe if had I been honest I could of been diagnosed earlier, but things happen for a reason.

I've been challenged the last few weeks with some hard things. In the past I would not of handled these things well at all. Who has kids? Adult kids? I have a daughter, my only biological child. She is my world. When she was born, I really struggled with post partum, which in return made my racing thoughts worse. I did my very best to hide it, and be the best mom I could be. I was thrilled to be a mom and to be a girl mom was the best. I never wanted her or my niece and nephews who I babysat everyday, to see me in a crazy mood. I always seemed to make questionable choices with my relationships. My daughters dad and I divorced when she was 4. I almost immediately got remarried to someone I only knew for a few months. I was always making these impulse decisions. That marriage was not great, he brought out the worst in me and my mental illness seemed to get worse. I started going to therapy, group and individual, taking medications. Some worked and some didn't, then Id be prescribed more, higher doses to the point I would get through my day but in a zombie like state. In between all the madness, I always made time for the kids, we would play and have sleep overs, all the fun things, but I know they could see me struggle. I thrived for happiness and at that time in my life happiness meant a good relationship/marriage. My priorities were backwards, now that I look back. That marriage ended as well, and at this time my daughter was 9. I started talking to an old friend from growing up and we started dating, ended up getting married a little over a year later. Maybe another impulse but this one was for keeps. We are still together. I was still on a few medications, but honestly I don't think they were right for me, I almost seemed worse at times, especially when it was that time of the month....mor on that in my peri..meno...what page. Anyway back to it.

I was at a point where something would be said, I would hear something different, create a whole other story, twist it up and then get mad, causing a fight. Big fights, self sabotage as some say. For whatever reason I was afraid to be happy and healthy. I don't know where those feelings came from because I loved how I grew up and had and still have a very loving family. For some reason or another I was just afraid of being left behind and being alone. Does any of this make sense? I ended up talking to my Dr about the meds and if there was any other way, could we take me off them since at this point i knew my triggers, I just wanted to try it on my own. holistic approach. I don't recommend everyone do this, everyone has a different form of mental illness and what works for one wont work for another, this is just to showcase my experience. Anyway, once I was off my meds my mind became clear. It took a lot of inner work, meditation, painting failed attempts at communication to get where I am at. I have changed so much in the last few years, I've grown. My daughter has her own struggles, and that causes conflict with us sometimes because we are so much alike. Last year I had a realization when going through it with her. I saw her but it felt like I was lookin g at myself all those years ago. I was now in my dads shoes and like he always did with me I let her let it out. Instead of fighting with her. I started to really see ME, I felt what my dad went through and my mom and it helped me to help myself through helping her, if any of that makes sense. We are so close, but that also makes us fight sometimes. She is now almost 21 and she is my mini. Love her so much, but on this journey she is now growing herself and spreading wings and going to move out to try adulthood out. My mama heart breaks, but is so proud. I feel like this shock to my system I would have been really immature about it 5 years ago (if she was old enough obviously) but what I am getting at it we grew through this together and something that would of broke me is now something I can actually get through, yes i have cried, but I didn't go into the darkness. that door is still closed.