If you've just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, remember, it doesn't have to be scary. While I'm not a doctor, I believe medication can be a valuable tool, but it's not the only answer. There's a wealth of information available, and countless individuals with unique perspectives. I'm here to share my real, raw, and honest experiences of overcoming life's challenges. I want you to know that I am a regular girl, not a celebrity, giving my real, raw and honest truths of what I went through, and am still going through in life and how I overcame a lot of the darkness. I struggled throughout most of my younger years. I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 28 years old. As a teen I had so many outbursts, but my mom always told me the Dr's told her it was just really bad PMS. I have one memory where my mom and I fought so bad that I grabbed her whicker chair on the outside porch and threw it into the street. Later that night when hanging out with a friend she found me and drove up to me telling me to get in the car, she had pretty much my whole room packed in the backseat. I was about 12/13 at the time (this was around 1991 & 92). My parents took me to the State hospital to be evaluated. I was so scared and didn't want to be locked up that the test and questionnaire they gave me I lied on every question, they let me go home. Maybe if had I been honest I could of been diagnosed earlier, but things happen for a reason.
I've been challenged the last few weeks with some hard things. In the past I would not of handled these things well at all. Who has kids? Adult kids? I have a daughter, my only biological child. She is my world. When she was born, I really struggled with post partum, which in return made my racing thoughts worse. I did my very best to hide it, and be the best mom I could be. I was thrilled to be a mom and to be a girl mom was the best. I never wanted her or my niece and nephews who I babysat everyday, to see me in a crazy mood. I always seemed to make questionable choices with my relationships. My daughters dad and I divorced when she was 4. I almost immediately got remarried to someone I only knew for a few months. I was always making these impulse decisions. That marriage was not great, he brought out the worst in me and my mental illness seemed to get worse. I started going to therapy, group and individual, taking medications. Some worked and some didn't, then Id be prescribed more, higher doses to the point I would get through my day but in a zombie like state. In between all the madness, I always made time for the kids, we would play and have sleep overs, all the fun things, but I know they could see me struggle. I thrived for happiness and at that time in my life happiness meant a good relationship/marriage. My priorities were backwards, now that I look back. That marriage ended as well, and at this time my daughter was 9. I started talking to an old friend from growing up and we started dating, ended up getting married a little over a year later. Maybe another impulse but this one was for keeps. We are still together. I was still on a few medications, but honestly I don't think they were right for me, I almost seemed worse at times, especially when it was that time of the month....more on that in my peri..meno...what page. Anyway back to it.
I was at a point where something would be said, I would hear something different, create a whole other story, twist it up and then get mad, causing a fight. Big fights, self sabotage as some say. For whatever reason I was afraid to be happy and healthy. I don't know where those feelings came from because I loved how I grew up and had and still have a very loving family. For some reason or another I was just afraid of being left behind and being alone. Does any of this make sense? I ended up talking to my Dr about the meds and if there was any other way, could we take me off them since at this point i knew my triggers, I just wanted to try it on my own. holistic approach. I don't recommend everyone do this, everyone has a different form of mental illness and what works for one wont work for another, this is just to showcase my experience. Anyway, once I was off my meds my mind became clear. It took a lot of inner work, meditation, painting, failed attempts at communication to get where I am at. I have changed so much in the last few years, I've grown. My daughter has her own struggles, and that causes conflict with us sometimes because we are so much alike. Last year I had a realization when going through it with her. I saw her but it felt like I was looking at myself all those years ago. I was now in my dads shoes and like he always did with me I let her let it out. Instead of fighting with her. I started to really see ME, I felt what my dad went through and my mom and it helped me to help myself through helping her, if any of that makes sense. We are so close, but that also makes us fight sometimes. She is now almost 21 and she is my mini. Love her so much, but on this journey she is now growing herself and spreading wings and going to move out to try adulthood out. My mama heart breaks, but is so proud. I feel like this shock to my system I would have been really immature about it 5 years ago (if she was old enough obviously) but what I am getting at it we grew through this together and something that would of broke me is now something I can actually get through, yes I have cried, but I didn't go into the darkness. that door is still closed. I am incredibly happy with life.
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